Chapter 8: To Wives
· · ·
WITH FEW EXCEPTIONS, our book thus far has spoken of men. But what we have
said applies quite as much to women. Our activities in behalf of women who
drink are on the increase. There is every evidence that women regain their
health as readily as men if they try our suggestions.
But for every man who drinks others are involved---the wife who trembles in
fear of the next debauch; the mother and father who see their son wasting
away.
Among us are wives, relatives and friends whose problem has been solved, as
well as some who have not yet found a happy solution. We want the wives of
Alcoholics Anonymous to address the wives of men who drink too much. What
they say will apply to nearly everyone bound by ties of blood or affection
to an alcoholic.
As wives of Alcoholics Anonymous, we would like you to feel that we
understand as perhaps few can. We want to analyze mistakes we have made. We
want to leave you with the feeling that no situation is too difficult and no
unhappiness too great to be overcome.
We have traveled a rocky road, there is no mistake about that. We have had
long rendezvous with hurt pride, frustration, self-pity, misunderstanding
and fear. These are not pleasant companions. We have been driven to maudlin
sympathy, to bitter resentment. Some of us veered from extreme to extreme,
ever hoping that one day our loved ones would be themselves once more.
Our loyalty and the desire that our husbands hold up their heads and be like
other men have begotten all sorts of predicaments. We have been unselfish
and self-sacrificing. We have told innumerable lies to protect our pride and
our husbands' reputations. We have prayed, we have begged, we have been
patient. We have struck out viciously. We have run away. We have been
hysterical. We have been terror stricken. We have sought sympathy. We have
had retaliatory love affairs with other men.
Our homes have been battlegrounds many an evening. In the morning we have
kissed and made up. Our friends have counseled chucking the men and we have
done so with finality, only to be back in a little while hoping, always
hoping. Our men have sworn great solemn oaths that they were through
drinking forever. We have believed them when no one else could or would.
Then, in days, weeks, or months, a fresh outburst.
We seldom had friends at our homes, never knowing how or when the men of the
house would appear. We could make few social engagements. We came to live
almost alone. When we were invited out, our husbands sneaked so many drinks
that they spoiled the occasion. If, on the other hand, they took nothing,
their self-pity made them killjoys.
There was never financial security. Positions were always in jeopardy or
gone. An armored car could not have brought the pay envelopes home. The
checking account melted like snow in June.
Sometimes there were other women. How heartbreaking was this discovery; how
cruel to be told they understood our men as we did not!
The bill collectors, the sheriffs, the angry taxi drivers, the policemen,
the bums, the pals, and even the ladies they sometimes brought home---our
husbands thought we were so inhospitable. "Joykiller, nag, wet
blanket"---that's what they said. Next day they would be themselves again
and we would forgive and try to forget.
We have tried to hold the love of our children for their father. We have
told small tots that father was sick, which was much nearer the truth than
we realized. They struck the children, kicked out door panels, smashed
treasured crockery, and ripped the keys out of pianos. In the midst of such
pandemonium they may have rushed out threatening to live with the other
woman forever. In desperation, we have even got tight ourselves---the drunk
to end all drunks. The unexpected result was that our husbands seemed to
like it.
Perhaps at this point we got a divorce and took the children home to father
and mother. Then we were severely criticized by our husband's parents for
desertion. Usually we did not leave. We stayed on and on. We finally sought
employment ourselves as destitution faced us and our families.
We began to ask medical advice as the sprees got closer together. The
alarming physical and mental symptoms, the deepening pall of remorse,
depression and inferiority that settled down on our loved ones---these
things terrified and distracted us. As animals on a treadmill, we have
patiently and wearily climbed, falling back in exhaustion after each futile
effort to reach solid ground. Most of us have entered the final stage with
its commitment to health resorts, sanitariums, hospitals, and jails.
Sometimes there were screaming delirium and insanity. Death was often near.
Under these conditions we naturally made mistakes. Some of them rose out of
ignorance of alcoholism. Sometimes we sensed dimly that we were dealing with
sick men. Had we fully understood the nature of the alcoholic illness, we
might have behaved differently.
How could men who loved their wives and children be so unthinking, so
callous, so cruel? There could be no love in such persons, we thought. And
just as we were being convinced of their heartlessness, they would surprise
us with fresh resolves and new attentions. For a while they would be their
old sweet selves, only to dash the new structure of affection to pieces once
more. Asked why they commenced to drink again, they would reply with some
silly excuse, or none. It was so baffling, so heartbreaking. Could we have
been so mistaken in the men we married? When drinking, they were strangers.
Sometimes they were so inaccessible that it seemed as though a great wall
had been built around them.
And even if they did not love their families, how could they be so blind
about themselves? What had become of their judgment, their common sense,
their will power? Why could they not see that drink meant ruin to them? Why
was it, when these dangers were pointed out that they agreed, and then got
drunk again immediately?
These are some of the questions which race through the mind of every woman
who has an alcoholic husband. We hope this book has answered some of them.
Perhaps your husband has been living in that strange world of alcoholism
where everything is distorted and exaggerated. You can see that he really
does love you with his better self. Of course, there is such a thing as
incompatibility, but in nearly every instance the alcoholic only seems to be
unloving and inconsiderate; it is usually because he is warped and sickened
that he says and does these appalling things. Today most of our men are
better husbands and fathers than ever before.
Try not to condemn your alcoholic husband no matter what he says or does. He
is just another very sick, unreasonable person. Treat him, when you can, as
though he had pneumonia. When he angers you, remember that he is very ill.
There is an important exception to the foregoing. We realize some men are
thoroughly bad-intentioned, that no amount of patience will make any
difference. An alcoholic of this temperament may be quick to use this
chapter as a club over your head. Don't let him get away with it. If you are
positive he is one of this type you may feel you had better leave. Is it
right to let him ruin your life and the lives of your children? Especially
when he has before him a way to stop his drinking and abuse if he really
wants to pay the price.
The problem with which you struggle usually falls within one of four
categories:
One: Your husband may be only a heavy drinker. His drinking may be constant
or it may be heavy only on certain occasions. Perhaps he spends too much
money for liquor. It may be slowing him up mentally and physically, but he
does not see it. Sometimes he is a source of embarrassment to you and his
friends. He is positive he can handle his liquor, that it does him no harm,
that drinking is necessary in his business. He would probably be insulted if
he were called an alcoholic. This world is full of people like him. Some
will moderate or stop altogether, and some will not. Of those who keep on, a
good number will become true alcoholics after a while.
Two: Your husband is showing lack of control, for he is unable to stay on
the water wagon even when he wants to. He often gets entirely out of hand
when drinking. He admits this is true, but is positive that he will do
better. He has begun to try, with or without your cooperation, various means
of moderating or staying dry. Maybe he is beginning to lose his friends. His
business may suffer somewhat. He is worried at times, and is becoming aware
that he cannot drink like other people. He sometimes drinks in the morning
and through the day also, to hold his nervousness in check. He is remorseful
after serious drinking bouts and tells you he wants to stop. But when he
gets over the spree, he begins to think once more how he can drink
moderately next time. We think this person is in danger. These are the
earmarks of a real alcoholic. Perhaps he can still tend to business fairly
well. He has by no means ruined everything. As we say among ourselves, "He
wants to want to stop."
Three: This husband has gone much further than husband number two. Though
once like number two he became worse. His friends have slipped away, his
home is a near-wreck and he cannot hold a position. Maybe the doctor has
been called in, and the weary round of sanitariums and hospitals has begun.
He admits he cannot drink like other people, but does not see why. He clings
to the notion that he will yet find a way to do so. He may have come to the
point where he desperately wants to stop but cannot. His case presents
additional questions which we shall try to answer for you. You can be quite
hopeful of a situation like this.
Four: You may have a husband of whom you completely despair. He has been
placed in one institution after another. He is violent, or appears
definitely insane when drunk. Sometimes he drinks on the way home from the
hospital. Perhaps he has had delirium tremens. Doctors may shake their heads
and advise you to have him committed. Maybe you have already been obliged to
put him away. This picture may not be as dark as it looks. Many of our
husbands were just as far gone. Yet they got well.
Let's now go back to husband number one. Oddly enough, he is often difficult
to deal with. He enjoys drinking. It stirs his imagination. His friends feel
closer over a highball. Perhaps you enjoy drinking with him yourself when he
doesn't go too far. You have passed happy evenings together chatting and
drinking before your fire. Perhaps you both like parties which would be dull
without liquor. We have enjoyed such evenings ourselves; we had a good time.
We know all about liquor as a social lubricant. Some, but not all of us,
think it has its advantages when reasonably used.
The first principle of success is that you should never be angry. Even
though your husband becomes unbearable and you have to leave him
temporarily, you should, if you can, go without rancor. Patience and good
temper are most necessary.
Our next thought is that you should never tell him what he must do about his
drinking. If he gets the idea that you are a nag or a killjoy, your chance
of accomplishing anything useful may be zero. He will use that as an excuse
to drink more. He will tell you he is misunderstood. This may lead to lonely
evenings for you. He may seek someone else to console him---not always
another man.
Be determined that your husband's drinking is not going to spoil your
relations with your children or your friends. They need your companionship
and your help. It is possible to have a full and useful life, though your
husband continues to drink. We know women who are unafraid, even happy under
these conditions. Do not set your heart on reforming your husband. You may
be unable to do so, no matter how hard you try.
We know these suggestions are sometimes difficult to follow, but you will
save many a heartbreak if you can succeed in observing them. Your husband
may come to appreciate your reasonableness and patience. This may lay the
groundwork for a friendly talk about his alcoholic problem. Try to have him
bring up the subject himself. Be sure you are not critical during such a
discussion. Attempt instead, to put yourself in his place. Let him see that
you want to be helpful rather than critical.
When a discussion does arise, you might suggest he read this book or at
least the chapter on alcoholism. Tell him you have been worried, though
perhaps needlessly. You think he ought to know the subject better, as
everyone should have a clear understanding of the risk he takes if he drinks
too much. Show him you have confidence in his power to stop or moderate. Say
you do not want to be a wet blanket; that you only want him to take care of
his health. Thus you may succeed in interesting him in alcoholism.
He probably has several alcoholics among his own acquaintances. You might
suggest that you both take an interest in them. Drinkers like to help other
drinkers. Your husband may be willing to talk to one of them.
If this kind of approach does not catch your husband's interest, it may be
best to drop the subject, but after a friendly talk your husband will
usually revive the topic himself. This may take patient waiting, but it will
be worth it. Meanwhile you might try to help the wife of another serious
drinker. If you act upon these principles, your husband may stop or
moderate.
Suppose, however, that your husband fits the description of number two. The
same principles which apply to husband number one should be practiced. But
after his next binge, ask him if he would really like to get over drinking
for good. Do not ask that he do it for you or anyone else. Just would he
like to?
The chances are he would. Show him your copy of this book and tell him what
you have found out about alcoholism. Show him that as alcoholics, the
writers of the book understand. Tell him some of the interesting stories you
have read. If you think he will be shy of a spiritual remedy, ask him to
look at the chapter on alcoholism. Then perhaps he will be interested enough
to continue.
If he is enthusiastic your cooperation will mean a great deal. If he is
lukewarm or thinks he is not an alcoholic, we suggest you leave him alone.
Avoid urging him to follow our program. The seed has been planted in his
mind. He knows that thousands of men, much like himself, have recovered. But
don't remind him of this after he has been drinking, for he may be angry.
Sooner or later, you are likely to find him reading the book once more. Wait
until repeated stumbling convinces him he must act, for the more you hurry
him the longer his recovery may be delayed.
If you have a number three husband, you may be in luck. Being certain he
wants to stop, you can go to him with this volume as joyfully as though you
had struck oil. He may not share your enthusiasm, but he is practically sure
to read the book and he may go for the program at once. If he does not, you
will probably not have long to wait. Again, you should not crowd him. Let
him decide for himself. Cheerfully see him through more sprees. Talk about
his condition or this book only when he raises the issue. In some cases it
may be better to let someone outside the family present the book. They can
urge action without arousing hostility. If your husband is otherwise a
normal individual, your chances are good at this stage.
You would suppose that men in the fourth classification would be quite
hopeless, but that is not so. Many of Alcoholics Anonymous were like that.
Everybody had given them up. Defeat seemed certain. Yet often such men had
spectacular and powerful recoveries.
There are exceptions. Some men have been so impaired by alcohol that they
cannot stop. Sometimes there are cases where alcoholism is complicated by
other disorders. A good doctor or psychiatrist can tell you whether these
complications are serious. In any event, try to have your husband read this
book. His reaction may be one of enthusiasm. If he is already committed to
an institution, but can convince you and your doctor that he means business,
give him a chance to try our method, unless the doctor thinks his mental
condition too abnormal or dangerous. We make this recommendation with some
confidence. For years we have been working with alcoholics committed to
institutions. Since this book was first published, A.A. has released
thousands of alcoholics from asylums and hospitals of every kind. The
majority have never returned. The power of God goes deep!
You may have the reverse situation on your hands. Perhaps you have a husband
who is at large, but who should be committed. Some men cannot or will not
get over alcoholism. When they become too dangerous, we think the kind thing
is to lock them up, but of course a good doctor should always be consulted.
The wives and children of such men suffer horribly, but not more than the
men themselves.
But sometimes you must start life anew. We know women who have done it. If
such women adopt a spiritual way of life their road will be smoother.
If your husband is a drinker, you probably worry over what other people are
thinking and you hate to meet your friends. You draw more and more into
yourself and you think everyone is talking about conditions at your home.
You avoid the subject of drinking, even with your own parents. You do not
know what to tell the children. When your husband is bad, you become a
trembling recluse, wishing the telephone had never been invented.
We find that most of this embarrassment is unnecessary. While you need not
discuss your husband at length, you can quietly let your friends know the
nature of his illness. But you must be on guard not to embarrass or harm
your husband.
When you have carefully explained to such people that he is a sick person,
you will have created a new atmosphere. Barriers which have sprung up
between you and your friends will disappear with the growth of sympathetic
understanding. You will no longer be self-conscious or feel that you must
apologize as though your husband were a weak character. He may be anything
but that. Your new courage, good nature and lack of self-consciousness will
do wonders for you socially.
The same principle applies in dealing with the children. Unless they
actually need protection from their father, it is best not to take sides in
any argument he has with them while drinking. Use your energies to promote a
better understanding all around. Then that terrible tension which grips the
home of every problem drinker will be lessened.
Frequently, you have felt obliged to tell your husband's employer and his
friends that he was sick, when as a matter of fact he was tight. Avoid
answering these inquiries as much as you can. Whenever possible, let your
husband explain. Your desire to protect him should not cause you to lie to
people when they have a right to know where he is and what he is doing.
Discuss this with him when he is sober and in good spirits. Ask him what you
should do if he places you in such a position again. But be careful not to
be resentful about the last time he did so.
There is another paralyzing fear. You may be afraid your husband will lose
his position; you are thinking of the disgrace and hard times which will
befall you and the children. This experience may come to you. Or you may
already have had it several times. Should it happen again, regard it in a
different light. Maybe it will prove a blessing! It may convince your
husband he wants to stop drinking forever. And now you know that he can stop
if he will! Time after time, this apparent calamity has been a boon to us,
for it opened up a path which led to the discovery of God.
We have elsewhere remarked how much better life is when lived on a spiritual
plane. If God can solve the age-old riddle of alcoholism, He can solve your
problems too. We wives found that, like everybody else, we were afflicted
with pride, self-pity, vanity and all the things which go to make up the
self-centered person; and we were not above selfishness or dishonesty. As
our husbands began to apply spiritual principles in their lives, we began to
see the desirability of doing so too.
At first, some of us did not believe we needed this help. We thought, on the
whole, we were pretty good women, capable of being nicer if our husbands
stopped drinking. But it was a silly idea that we were too good to need God.
Now we try to put spiritual principles to work in every department of our
lives. When we do that, we find it solves our problems too; the ensuing lack
of fear, worry and hurt feelings is a wonderful thing. We urge you to try
our program, for nothing will be so helpful to your husband as the radically
changed attitude toward him which God will show you how to have. Go along
with your husband if you possibly can.
If you and your husband find a solution for the pressing problem of drink
you are, of course, going to be very happy. But all problems will not be
solved at once. Seed has started to sprout in a new soil, but growth has
only begun. In spite of your new-found happiness, there will be ups and
downs. Many of the old problems will still be with you. This is as it should
be.
The faith and sincerity of both you and your husband will be put to the
test. These workouts should be regarded as part of your education, for thus
you will be learning to live. You will make mistakes, but if you are in
earnest they will not drag you down. Instead, you will capitalize them. A
better way of life will emerge when they are overcome.
Some of the snags you will encounter are irritation, hurt feelings and
resentments. Your husband will sometimes be unreasonable and you will want
to criticize. Starting from a speck on the domestic horizon, great
thunderclouds of dispute may gather. These family dissensions are very
dangerous, especially to your husband. Often you must carry the burden of
avoiding them or keeping them under control. Never forget that resentment is
a deadly hazard to an alcoholic. We do not mean that you have to agree with
your husband whenever there is an honest difference of opinion. Just be
careful not to disagree in a resentful or critical spirit.
You and your husband will find that you can dispose of serious problems
easier than you can the trivial ones. Next time you and he have a heated
discussion, no matter what the subject, it should be the privilege of either
to smile and say, "This is getting serious. I'm sorry I got disturbed. Let's
talk about it later." If your husband is trying to live on a spiritual
basis, he will also be doing everything in his power to avoid disagreement
or contention.
Your husband knows he owes you more than sobriety. He wants to make good.
Yet you must not expect too much. His ways of thinking and doing are the
habits of years. Patience, tolerance, understanding and love are the
watchwords. Show him these things in yourself and they will be reflected
back to you from him. Live and let live is the rule. If you both show a
willingness to remedy your own defects, there will be little need to
criticize each other.
We women carry with us a picture of the ideal man, the sort of chap we would
like our husbands to be. It is the most natural thing in the world, once his
liquor problem is solved, to feel that he will now measure up to that
cherished vision. The chances are he will not for, like yourself, he is just
beginning his development. Be patient.
Another feeling we are very likely to entertain is one of resentment that
love and loyalty could not cure our husbands of alcoholism. We do not like
the thought that the contents of a book or the work of another alcoholic has
accomplished in a few weeks that for which we struggled for years. At such
moments we forget that alcoholism is an illness over which we could not
possibly have had any power. Your husband will be the first to say it was
your devotion and care which brought him to the point where he could have a
spiritual experience. Without you he would have gone to pieces long ago.
When resentful thoughts come, try to pause and count your blessings. After
all, your family is reunited, alcohol is no longer a problem and you and
your husband are working together toward an undreamed of future.
Still another difficulty is that you may become jealous of the attention he
bestows on other people, especially alcoholics. You have been starving for
his companionship, yet he spends long hours helping other men and their
families. You feel he should now be yours. The fact is that he should work
with other people to maintain his own sobriety. Sometimes he will be so
interested that he becomes really neglectful. Your house is filled with
strangers. You may not like some of them. He gets stirred up about their
troubles, but not at all about yours. It will do little good if you point
that out and urge more attention for yourself. We find it a real mistake to
dampen his enthusiasm for alcoholic work. You should join in his efforts as
much as you possibly can. We suggest that you direct some of your thought to
the wives of his new alcoholic friends. They need the counsel and love of a
woman who has gone through what you have.
It is probably true that you and your husband have been living too much
alone, for drinking many times isolates the wife of an alcoholic. Therefore,
you probably need fresh interests and a great cause to live for as much as
your husband. If you cooperate, rather than complain, you will find that his
excess enthusiasm will tone down. Both of you will awaken to a new sense of
responsibility for others. You, as well as your husband, ought to think of
what you can put into life instead of how much you can take out. Inevitably
your lives will be fuller for doing so. You will lose the old life to find
one much better.
Perhaps your husband will make a fair start on the new basis, but just as
things are going beautifully he dismays you by coming home drunk. If you are
satisfied he really wants to get over drinking, you need not be alarmed.
Though it is infinitely better that he have no relapse at all, as has been
true with many of our men, it is by no means a bad thing in some cases. Your
husband will see at once that he must redouble his spiritual activities if
he expects to survive. You need not remind him of his spiritual
deficiency---he will know of it. Cheer him up and ask him how you can be
still more helpful.
The slightest sign of fear or intolerance may lessen your husband's chance
of recovery. In a weak moment he may take your dislike of his high-stepping
friends as one of those insanely trivial excuses to drink.
We never, never try to arrange a man's life so as to shield him from
temptation. The slightest disposition on your part to guide his appointments
or his affairs so he will not be tempted will be noticed. Make him feel
absolutely free to come and go as he likes. This is important. If he gets
drunk, don't blame yourself. God has either removed your husband's liquor
problem or He has not. If not, it had better be found out right away. Then
you and your husband can get right down to fundamentals. If a repetition is
to be prevented, place the problem, along with everything else, in God's
hands.
We realize that we have been giving you much direction and advice. We may
have seemed to lecture. If that is so we are sorry, for we ourselves don't
always care for people who lecture us. But what we have related is based
upon experience, some of it painful. We had to learn these things the hard
way. That is why we are anxious that you understand, and that you avoid
these unnecessary difficulties.
So to you out there who may soon be with us---we say "Good luck and God
bless you!"
The fellowship of Al-Anon Family Groups was formed about thirteen years
after this chapter was written. Though it is entirely separate from
Alcoholics Anonymous, it uses the general principles of the A.A. program as
a guide for husbands, wives, relatives, friends, and others close to
alcoholics. The foregoing pages (though addressed only to wives) indicate
the problems such people may face. Alateen, for teen-aged children of
alcoholics, is a part of Al-Anon.
If there is no Al-Anon listing in your local telephone book, you may obtain
further information on Al-Anon/Alateen Family Groups by writing to its World
Service Office, 1600 Corporate Landing Parkway, Virginia Beach, VA
23454-5617.