Chapter 9: The Family Afterward
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OUR WOMEN FOLK have suggested certain attitudes a wife may take with the
husband who is recovering. Perhaps they created the impression that he is to
be wrapped in cotton wool and placed on a pedestal. Successful readjustment
means the opposite. All members of the family should meet upon the common
ground of tolerance, understanding and love. This involves a process of
deflation. The alcoholic, his wife, his children, his "in-laws," each one is
likely to have fixed ideas about the family's attitude towards himself or
herself. Each is interested in having his or her wishes respected. We find
the more one member of the family demands that the others concede to him,
the more resentful they become. This makes for discord and unhappiness.
And why? Is it not because each wants to play the lead? Is not each trying
to arrange the family show to his liking? Is he not unconsciously trying to
see what he can take from the family life rather than give?
Cessation of drinking is but the first step away from a highly strained,
abnormal condition. A doctor said to us, "Years of living with an alcoholic
is almost sure to make any wife or child neurotic. The entire family is, to
some extent, ill." Let families realize, as they start their journey, that
all will not be fair weather. Each in his turn may be footsore and may
straggle. There will be alluring shortcuts and by-paths down which they may
wander and lose their way.
Suppose we tell you some of the obstacles a family will meet; suppose we
suggest how they may be avoided---even converted to good use for others. The
family of an alcoholic longs for the return of happiness and security. They
remember when father was romantic, thoughtful and successful. Today's life
is measured against that of other years and, when it falls short, the family
may be unhappy.
Family confidence in dad is rising high. The good old days will soon be
back, they think. Sometimes they demand that dad bring them back instantly!
God, they believe, almost owes this recompense on a long overdue account.
But the head of the house has spent years in pulling down the structures of
business, romance, friendship, health---these things are now ruined or
damaged. It will take time to clear away the wreck. Though old buildings
will eventually be replaced by finer ones, the new structures will take
years to complete.
Father knows he is to blame; it may take him many seasons of hard work to be
restored financially, but he shouldn't be reproached. Perhaps he will never
have much money again. But the wise family will admire him for what he is
trying to be, rather than for what he is trying to get.
Now and then the family will be plagued by spectres from the past, for the
drinking career of almost every alcoholic has been marked by escapades,
funny, humiliating, shameful or tragic. The first impulse will be to bury
these skeletons in a dark closet and padlock the door. The family may be
possessed by the idea that future happiness can be based only upon
forgetfulness of the past. We think that such a view is self-centered and in
direct conflict with the new way of living.
Henry Ford once made a wise remark to the effect that experience is the
thing of supreme value in life. That is true only if one is willing to turn
the past to good account. We grow by our willingness to face and rectify
errors and convert them into assets. The alcoholic's past thus becomes the
principal asset of the family and frequently it is almost the only one!
This painful past may be of infinite value to other families still
struggling with their problem. We think each family which has been relieved
owes something to those who have not, and when the occasion requires, each
member of it should be only too willing to bring former mistakes, no matter
how grievous, out of their hiding places. Showing others who suffer how we
were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worth while to us
now. Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the
greatest possession you have---the key to life and happiness for others.
With it you can avert death and misery for them.
It is possible to dig up past misdeeds so they become a blight, a veritable
plague. For example, we know of situations in which the alcoholic or his
wife have had love affairs. In the first flush of spiritual experience they
forgave each other and drew closer together. The miracle of reconciliation
was at hand. Then, under one provocation or another, the aggrieved one would
unearth the old affair and angrily cast its ashes about. A few of us have
had these growing pains and they hurt a great deal. Husbands and wives have
sometimes been obliged to separate for a time until new perspective, new
victory over hurt pride could be rewon. In most cases, the alcoholic
survived this ordeal without relapse, but not always. So we think that
unless some good and useful purpose is to be served, past occurrences should
not be discussed.
We families of Alcoholics Anonymous keep few skeletons in the closet.
Everyone knows about the others' alcoholic troubles. This is a condition
which, in ordinary life, would produce untold grief; there might be
scandalous gossip, laughter at the expense of other people, and a tendency
to take advantage of intimate information. Among us, these are rare
occurrences. We do talk about each other a great deal, but we almost
invariably temper such talk by a spirit of love and tolerance.
Another principle we observe carefully is that we do not relate intimate
experiences of another person unless we are sure he would approve. We find
it better, when possible, to stick to our own stories. A man may criticize
or laugh at himself and it will affect others favorably, but criticism or
ridicule coming from another often produces the contrary effect. Members of
a family should watch such matters carefully, for one careless,
inconsiderate remark has been known to raise the very devil. We alcoholics
are sensitive people. It takes some of us a long time to outgrow that
serious handicap.
Many alcoholics are enthusiasts. They run to extremes. At the beginning of
recovery a man will take, as a rule, one of two directions. He may either
plunge into a frantic attempt to get on his feet in business, or he may be
so enthralled by his new life that he talks or thinks of little else. In
either case certain family problems will arise. With these we have had
experience galore.
We think it dangerous if he rushes headlong at his economic problem. The
family will be affected also, pleasantly at first, as they feel their money
troubles are about to be solved, then not so pleasantly as they find
themselves neglected. Dad may be tired at night and preoccupied by day. He
may take small interest in the children and may show irritation when
reproved for his delinquencies. If not irritable, he may seem dull and
boring, not gay and affectionate as the family would like him to be. Mother
may complain of inattention. They are all disappointed, and often let him
feel it. Beginning with such complaints, a barrier arises. He is straining
every nerve to make up for lost time. He is striving to recover fortune and
reputation and feels he is doing very well.
Sometimes mother and children don't think so. Having been neglected and
misused in the past, they think father owes them more than they are getting.
They want him to make a fuss over them. They expect him to give them the
nice times they used to have before he drank so much, and to show his
contrition for what they suffered. But dad doesn't give freely of himself.
Resentment grows. He becomes still less communicative. Sometimes he explodes
over a trifle. The family is mystified. They criticize, pointing out how he
is falling down on his spiritual program.
This sort of thing can be avoided. Both father and the family are mistaken,
though each side may have some justification. It is of little use to argue
and only makes the impasse worse. The family must realize that dad, though
marvelously improved, is still convalescing. They should be thankful he is
sober and able to be of this world once more. Let them praise his progress.
Let them remember that his drinking wrought all kinds of damage that may
take long to repair. If they sense these things, they will not take so
seriously his periods of crankiness, depression, or apathy, which will
disappear when there is tolerance, love, and spiritual understanding.
The head of the house ought to remember that he is mainly to blame for what
befell his home. He can scarcely square the account in his lifetime. But he
must see the danger of over-concentration on financial success. Although
financial recovery is on the way for many of us, we found we could not place
money first. For us, material well being always followed spiritual progress;
it never preceded.
Since the home has suffered more than anything else, it is well that a man
exert himself there. He is not likely to get far in any direction if he
fails to show unselfishness and love under his own roof. We know there are
difficult wives and families, but the man who is getting over alcoholism
must remember he did much to make them so.
As each member of a resentful family begins to see his shortcomings and
admits them to the others, he lays a basis for helpful discussion. These
family talks will be constructive if they can be carried on without heated
argument, self-pity, self-justification or resentful criticism. Little by
little, mother and children will see they ask too much, and father will see
he gives too little. Giving, rather than getting, will become the guiding
principle.
Assume on the other hand that father has, at the outset, a stirring
spiritual experience. Overnight, as it were, he is a different man. He
becomes a religious enthusiast. He is unable to focus on anything else. As
soon as his sobriety begins to be taken as a matter of course, the family
may look at their strange new dad with apprehension, then with irritation.
There is talk about spiritual matters morning, noon and night. He may demand
that the family find God in a hurry, or exhibit amazing indifference to them
and say he is above worldly considerations. He may tell mother, who has been
religious all her life, that she doesn't know what it's all about, and that
she had better get his brand of spirituality while there is yet time.
When father takes this tack, the family may react unfavorably. They may be
jealous of a God who has stolen dad's affections. While grateful that he
drinks no more, they may not like the idea that God has accomplished the
miracle where they failed. They often forget father was beyond human aid.
They may not see why their love and devotion did not straighten him out. Dad
is not so spiritual after all, they say. If he means to right his past
wrongs, why all this concern for everyone in the world but his family? What
about his talk that God will take care of them? They suspect father is a bit
balmy!
He is not so unbalanced as they might think. Many of us have experienced
dad's elation. We have indulged in spiritual intoxication. Like a gaunt
prospector, belt drawn in over the last ounce of food, our pick struck gold.
Joy at our release from a lifetime of frustration knew no bounds. Father
feels he has struck something better than gold. For a time he may try to hug
the new treasure to himself. He may not see at once that he has barely
scratched a limitless lode which will pay dividends only if he mines it for
the rest of his life and insists on giving away the entire product.
If the family cooperates, dad will soon see that he is suffering from a
distortion of values. He will perceive that his spiritual growth is
lopsided, that for an average man like himself, a spiritual life which does
not include his family obligations may not be so perfect after all. If the
family will appreciate that dad's current behavior is but a phase of his
development, all will be well. In the midst of an understanding and
sympathetic family, these vagaries of dad's spiritual infancy will quickly
disappear.
The opposite may happen should the family condemn and criticize. Dad may
feel that for years his drinking has placed him on the wrong side of every
argument, but that now he has become a superior person with God on his side.
If the family persists in criticism, this fallacy may take a still greater
hold on father. Instead of treating the family as he should, he may retreat
further into himself and feel he has spiritual justification for so doing.
Though the family does not fully agree with dad's spiritual activities, they
should let him have his head. Even if he displays a certain amount of
neglect and irresponsibility towards the family, it is well to let him go as
far as he likes in helping other alcoholics. During those first days of
convalescence, this will do more to insure his sobriety than anything else.
Though some of his manifestations are alarming and disagreeable, we think
dad will be on a firmer foundation than the man who is placing business or
professional success ahead of spiritual development. He will be less likely
to drink again, and anything is preferable to that.
Those of us who have spent much time in the world of spiritual make-believe
have eventually seen the childishness of it. This dream world has been
replaced by a great sense of purpose, accompanied by a growing consciousness
of the power of God in our lives. We have come to believe He would like us
to keep our heads in the clouds with Him, but that our feet ought to be
firmly planted on earth. That is where our fellow travelers are, and that is
where our work must be done. These are the realities for us. We have found
nothing incompatible between a powerful spiritual experience and a life of
sane and happy usefulness.
One more suggestion: Whether the family has spiritual convictions or not,
they may do well to examine the principles by which the alcoholic member is
trying to live. They can hardly fail to approve these simple principles,
though the head of the house still fails somewhat in practicing them.
Nothing will help the man who is off on a spiritual tangent so much as the
wife who adopts a sane spiritual program, making a better practical use of
it.
There will be other profound changes in the household. Liquor incapacitated
father for so many years that mother became head of the house. She met these
responsibilities gallantly. By force of circumstances, she was often obliged
to treat father as a sick or wayward child. Even when he wanted to assert
himself he could not, for his drinking placed him constantly in the wrong.
Mother made all the plans and gave the directions. When sober, father
usually obeyed. Thus mother, through no fault of her own, became accustomed
to wearing the family trousers. Father, coming suddenly to life again, often
begins to assert himself. This means trouble, unless the family watches for
these tendencies in each other and comes to a friendly agreement about them.
Drinking isolates most homes from the outside world. Father may have laid
aside for years all normal activities---clubs, civic duties, sports. When he
renews interest in such things, a feeling of jealousy may arise. The family
may feel they hold a mortgage on dad, so big that no equity should be left
for outsiders. Instead of developing new channels of activity for
themselves, mother and children demand that he stay home and make up the
deficiency.
At the very beginning, the couple ought to frankly face the fact that each
will have to yield here and there if the family is going to play an
effective part in the new life. Father will necessarily spend much time with
other alcoholics, but this activity should be balanced. New acquaintances
who know nothing of alcoholism might be made and thoughtful consideration
given their needs. The problems of the community might engage attention.
Though the family has no religious connections, they may wish to make
contact with or take membership in a religious body.
Alcoholics who have derided religious people will be helped by such
contacts. Being possessed of a spiritual experience, the alcoholic will find
he has much in common with these people, though he may differ with them on
many matters. If he does not argue about religion, he will make new friends
and is sure to find new avenues of usefulness and pleasure. He and his
family can be a bright spot in such congregations. He may bring new hope and
new courage to many a priest, minister, or rabbi, who gives his all to
minister to our troubled world. We intend the foregoing as a helpful
suggestion only. So far as we are concerned, there is nothing obligatory
about it. As non-denominational people, we cannot make up others' minds for
them. Each individual should consult his own conscience.
We have been speaking to you of serious, sometimes tragic things. We have
been dealing with alcohol in its worst aspect. But we aren't a glum lot. If
newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn't want it.
We absolutely insist on enjoying life. We try not to indulge in cynicism
over the state of the nations, nor do we carry the world's troubles on our
shoulders. When we see a man sinking into the mire that is alcoholism, we
give him first aid and place what we have at his disposal. For his sake, we
do recount and almost relive the horrors of our past. But those of us who
have tried to shoulder the entire burden and trouble of others find we are
soon overcome by them.
So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness. Outsiders are
sometimes shocked when we burst into merriment over a seemingly tragic
experience out of the past. But why shouldn't we laugh? We have recovered,
and have been given the power to help others.
Everybody knows that those in bad health, and those who seldom play, do not
laugh much. So let each family play together or separately, as much as their
circumstances warrant. We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and
free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears,
though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made
our own misery. God didn't do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of
misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to
demonstrate His omnipotence.
Now about health: A body badly burned by alcohol does not often recover
overnight nor do twisted thinking and depression vanish in a twinkling. We
are convinced that a spiritual mode of living is a most powerful health
restorative. We, who have recovered from serious drinking, are miracles of
mental health. But we have seen remarkable transformations in our bodies.
Hardly one of our crowd now shows any mark of dissipation.
But this does not mean that we disregard human health measures. God has
abundantly supplied this world with fine doctors, psychologists, and
practitioners of various kinds. Do not hesitate to take your health problems
to such persons. Most of them give freely of themselves, that their fellows
may enjoy sound minds and bodies. Try to remember that though God has
wrought miracles among us, we should never belittle a good doctor or
psychiatrist. Their services are often indispensable in treating a newcomer
and in following his case afterward.
One of the many doctors who had the opportunity of reading this book in
manuscript form told us that the use of sweets was often helpful, of course
depending upon a doctor's advice. He thought all alcoholics should
constantly have chocolate available for its quick energy value at times of
fatigue. He added that occasionally in the night a vague craving arose which
would be satisfied by candy. Many of us have noticed a tendency to eat
sweets and have found this practice beneficial.
A word about sex relations. Alcohol is so sexually stimulating to some men
that they have over-indulged. Couples are occasionally dismayed to find that
when drinking is stopped the man tends to be impotent. Unless the reason is
understood, there may be an emotional upset. Some of us had this experience,
only to enjoy, in a few months, a finer intimacy than ever. There should be
no hesitancy in consulting a doctor or psychologist if the condition
persists. We do not know of many cases where this difficulty lasted long.
The alcoholic may find it hard to re-establish friendly relations with his
children. Their young minds were impressionable while he was drinking.
Without saying so, they may cordially hate him for what he has done to them
and to their mother. The children are sometimes dominated by a pathetic
hardness and cynicism. They cannot seem to forgive and forget. This may hang
on for months, long after their mother has accepted dad's new way of living
and thinking.
In time they will see that he is a new man and in their own way they will
let him know it. When this happens, they can be invited to join in morning
meditation and then they can take part in the daily discussion without
rancor or bias. From that point on, progress will be rapid. Marvelous
results often follow such a reunion.
Whether the family goes on a spiritual basis or not, the alcoholic member
has to if he would recover. The others must be convinced of his new status
beyond the shadow of a doubt. Seeing is believing to most families who have
lived with a drinker.
Here is a case in point: One of our friends is a heavy smoker and coffee
drinker. There was no doubt he over-indulged. Seeing this, and meaning to be
helpful, his wife commenced to admonish him about it. He admitted he was
overdoing these things, but frankly said that he was not ready to stop. His
wife is one of those persons who really feels there is something rather
sinful about these commodities, so she nagged, and her intolerance finally
threw him into a fit of anger. He got drunk.
Of course our friend was wrong---dead wrong. He had to painfully admit that
and mend his spiritual fences. Though he is now a most effective member of
Alcoholics Anonymous, he still smokes and drinks coffee, but neither his
wife nor anyone else stands in judgment. She sees she was wrong to make a
burning issue out of such a matter when his more serious ailments were being
rapidly cured.
We have three little mottoes which are apropos. Here they are:
First Things First\
Live and Let Live\
Easy Does It.